Dating and weight loss… Yup you read that correctly. I’ve battled with my weight, I battle with dating, and the more I do both, the more I realized they are totally connected. I’m a bit emotional about the entire dating thing at the moment, and it’s hard to explain how dating can affect your weight, but it totally can.
So…, I’ve written about this before, but it is hard to explain if you haven’t been dating in your 30’s. Many people don’t understand my dating woes… the only ones who do, are probably the ones in my shoes… 30+ and single… and single for some time. I’m not divorced, I’m not recently single… I am 100% single with no relationship in the recent past. Not for lack of trying! I can’t handle the question… “why are you single?” any more. I know some people think they are being flattering to assume that I couldn’t be single, but in the end it comes off as offensive, like I’ve done something wrong, or like something is wrong with me. The only thing wrong with me…. is that I’m not interested in dating for the sake of dating, I want something real.
Now… how does this affect my weight? It is tough… sometimes very tough to focus on myself in a positive light when all that I want in my life is to have someone to love and that person to love me. Again, I know many may not understand this… and I will stop to say that I’m proud to be independent, and I’m proud to be able to do all of the things that I do on my own. If my car breaks down I can take care of it, if my toilet plugs I take care of it, if I need a bank loan I take care of it, if I need to replace my flooring I take care of it…. I am very capable, and I’m proud of myself that I’m able to do these things on my own, some things that many others wouldn’t be able to do… and if I had someone in my life to do all of these things… things that I wouldn’t know that I’m capable of because I wouldn’t have to take care of them on my own. So…. being single has taught me my own capabilities… it has taught me to be independent. I am very proud of this and of all of my accomplishments I truly am. However, there comes a point when I don’t want to be proud, I don’t want to fend for myself, I want to have someone to support me in these things… In this moment is where I struggle. This is where it all becomes completely exhausting.
When over the years I’ve dated… I’ve been rejected, I can’t help but wonder why…. The most logical reason over the years was…. I wasn’t pretty enough, I wasn’t fit enough…I had a belly… I have hips… and no matter how much I workout… I will always have a booty… I’ve never been very overweight, but I can’t say that I’ve always been in the best of shape, and the more I date… the more I’m rejected.. the more I tend to connect the two together. The more exhausted I become.
It’s hard, you want to look your best to go on dates, but even more it’s depressing getting rejected… Yes I get rejected.. I get rejected more than I reject guys I truly care about. I do realize it goes both ways, and that a true connection should be more than just weight, but it’s always on my mind. So what does rejection do to a girl in her 30’s? (or a girl in general) Well, if you’re me… you drink wine, eat chocolate and/or ice cream and sit home alone crying. No joke. Then you go to the gym, make a healthy lunch, and when Friday night comes and you’re home alone again with no date prospects you…. drink wine, and eat popcorn for dinner and feel bad for yourself…You get up the next day wanting to be better, trying to be better, but in the back of your mind feeling like no one really cares so it doesn’t make a difference. Rejection is hard. Rejection decreases the purpose or the want to workout, to eat healthy, or to be your best. Because, even when you feel you’re at your best, you get rejected….. so what’s the point? Rejection has been one of the hardest things for me to deal with. There have been times when rejection has caused me to not be able to get off the couch for the weekend (or longer), it gives me little to no motivation to cook or eat healthy, it makes comfy clothes and my couch the best comfort of my day… and therefore working out and eating healthy can’t compete. I’ve never been diagnosed with clinical depression, and I don’t take those terms lightly as I know they are serious terms, but there have been times when I’ve wondered if that was what I was feeling as a result. The result of all of this… weight gain, and an even lower self esteem. We all deal with stress and rejection differently, but I’m sure I’m not the only one who responds this way. We all know what a few added pounds feels like… Baggy clothes, disinterest to meeting new people or going out, a reason to stay inside and hibernate… As a result… the cycle continues. I try my best, I really do… but even when I’m feeling my best, the rejection sticks in my mind and sometimes still gets me down. It’s hard to get past this no matter how hard I try. I’m successful, doing great on my own, in the best shape that I’ve been in a very long time….. but the challenge of being rejected and single still stings… I’m a sensitive emotional introverted person… and with rejection and little support or understanding, it leads to very negative self talk. It’s a cycle that is tough to get out of.
It’s tough because even though online dating is the most common way that people meet nowadays, it might be one of the toughest ways to meet people. Let’s be honest, it’s basically based on looks. I know that many people meet people online with no problems, but there are also many horror stories about cat phishing, stalkers, and other horrifying online dating stories (many of which I could share from my own experiences). It truly doesn’t make things easier. It really makes things more complicated. How can I trust the guys who seem real, and what do I do when rejection happens again?
Sometimes it’s hard for me to believe that a guy will actually love me for me… no matter my size… However, with physical activity and healthy eating, I know that I feel better, even when it’s hard to get my butt moving. I know that my emotions stabilize, but I also know that all of this is always in the back of my mind. Rejection, hurt… and my fat girl self always feel like my reality. It’s not though… I am smart, attractive, and amazing. I know that my person is out there. I know that we will find each other and have a happy supportive relationship. That is what I want, and that is what I know is possible. In a sense, I feel like it is completely out of my control. I can’t make someone love me. No matter how much I love (or have loved) someone, I can’t make them love me, nor do I want to make someone love me. I want someone to truly love me for me. I want someone to see how amazing I am, to want to love me for me… to want to be there and support me because they want to… not because I want them to…. I want a relationship… That is happy, supportive, healthy, and successful. The only way that I can get this,…… is to take care of me. I will continue working on myself. To continue being my best and being as healthy as I can be for me. That’s all that I can do… to forget the rejection… to get past the hurt… to be the best me… and to be ready for my one. Still dating…. still optimistic…. still believing, and focusing on myself first.
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